風箏與風

還在初中的時候 我跟一位男生交往
我們當時經常大吵大鬧
家裡的電話及手提電話
每一次我們吵大架他就甩壞一個
聽他姐姐曾經說 我跟他交往斷續兩年
他將全屋裡的電話都換過新了

我們吵架時 他還比我大聲
而且每一次都比我激動
我當時都不知到做錯什麼大事
令到他會每次也這樣罵我

分手的原因很簡單
有一次我們在香港廣東道上
他喝醉了 然後大罵到我哭得一遢胡塗
就連途人也問我要否報警
然後他還意圖出手
之後我們便分手了

過了好幾年後 我原諒了他
因為我對他已沒有感覺了
沒有憎恨更沒有愛
而且我們已跟別人在戀愛中
當時還年少 所以最尾也做回了普通朋友
而且常聽別人說 越憎恨一個人也代表你越愛他
我這麼容易就忘記 當時我可能也不是太喜歡他

之後我們有一天在偶然的機會下在網上聊天
是他主動說起為什麼跟我一起的時候他會變成這樣
我究竟下了什麼毒藥令他這樣瘋狂
他還說跟別的女子在一起的時候
他從來都沒有試過這樣失常
更沒有試過甩壞任何一個電話
當時我還聽得一頭霧水
我怎麼知道為什麼他當時會失心瘋 哈﹗
最後他還說他永遠都不會這樣愛別人了

直至到我明白到若果你很愛很愛一個人
愛他還比愛自己多 疼他還比疼自己多
這時候就算偶然喪失理智也是理所當然
我只是跟他一起才會哭到失聲及難以呼吸
我只是跟他一起才會吵架吵到天翻地覆
我只是跟他一起才會吃醋吃到有一點兒太過份
我只是跟他一起才會難過得想嘔吐
我只是跟他一起才會無理取鬧到自己都難以接受

這些一切一切我跟別人一起的時候也從沒發生
他要跟朋友出去玩問我去不去
我說不去了 你玩得開心點 回家打個電話給我
他說他累了 今天不過來陪我了
我說OK呀 那我們明天再見個面吧
他說他還未有知道我喜歡什麼討厭什麼
我說沒關係吧 讓時間令我們慢慢了解

我冷靜 我溫文 我優雅 我放鬆
人家說: "the person you are with should bring the best out of you."
那應該就是這樣吧
有時候太愛一個人也非好事
愛使人脆弱 太愛也更是不堪一擊
所以狂找著一點東西來得取安全感
麻目地拿捏到彼此都辛苦了
到最後 大家一起很緊握的關係 最終會輕輕的放底
放開後反為令人舒服... 多麼諷刺

然後發覺"安全感"是一種不需奢求不用刻意給予的感覺
遇上對的人 便會感受到對的安全感
就像風箏與風一樣 一切來得多麼的舒服自然。

dalalalala...

time passed by really quickly. and i mean, really really really quickly. can't believe it was another year and a half that my roommate and i have been living together. my roommate and i, we've been through alot of ups, and ALOT of downs. we've had our peaceful moments, but according to our NOT SO SMOOTH LIVES, our so-called "peaceful moments" never last long. we are officially moving on tuesday. booked the moving truck already and now just doing alot packing. we, once again, have to adapt to another new living environment. alot has happened for the past year. i just have a sudden urge to re-cap all things that i remember of. from the "most heartbreaking break up in the universe", 2009 Dec was the month i moved into this place. it took me a few months to only stop crying. i got my emotions a little bit back together and i met #1 around new years time. it was short and was not worth it. a total rebound. (haha, im sorry!) and then for the next few months, i remember i was still recovering from it. then i got attached with #2 in March. i had to say i really regretted it. he was awesome. he was cute. he was quiet, humble and funny. he can sing. he was totally intelligent but low profile. it was really sudden and i was really happy while then. only he was TOO BUSY and caught up with work, we only lasted a super short-while. then he was gone for a business trip and i guess that was how everything really faded out. the only reason why i regret, it's because we are not friends anymore. it is a shame to lose a friend like him. it took me awhile to accept that he doens't want to talk to me anymore. i guess he felt awkward of the things that happened while he was gone. here is the story... today of last year, i had to say goodbye to HimHim. one of the cutest puppy on earth. i was devestated and felt extreme guilt at that time. not to mention that i was already in pain to recover from the "most heartbreaking break up in the universe" and also two failing relationships after it. i still miss my ex-pup til this day, but i try not to mention any part of him in front of anyone. but the heartbreak that i had for HimHim actually brought me and E back together in May. i still remember the first week we got back together after being apart for 7 months. i still clearly remember our shopping day in downtown. it was unbelievably amazing, it was sweeter than the first day that we were ever together. i guess that was the feeling of "lost and found". our mended relationship didn't last too long though, only 3 months. i had to go through a break up again with the same person. it was really hurtful too, but it didn't hurt AS MUCH as the first time. so i call it just a heartbreaking break up. then it was my wisdom tooth time... oh how painful... but he stayed with me the whole time and took care of me after. then it was my birthday which i spent without him. about two weeks later it was his birthday, and i purposely didn't go over for his birthday dinner at home with his family. i didn't want to be involve anymore with things that had to do with him. i was ready to leave things behind. not too long later, i met #3 in Sept. he was another ideal man. only this time he is not really a singer. (haha) he was caring, quiet, humble, super funny. we just really clicked in all of our conversations. i was ready to move on for real. with him, i found my long lost smile and laughters; i enjoyed all the sitting and chatting in the park when it was chilly cold; i felt so important and cherished for all the time. but life is always unexpectable. E came back. his return totally caused me to lose my mind. i was confused, i was lost, i felt like i was two different people before and after. E really has a huge impact on how i feel and think. that time was about a week before i leave to hong kong for a full month vacation. so i told #3 and E to hold off, and let everything fall into place after i come back from my vacation. of course, while i was away, i realized who i missed the most, who i really want to cherish, who i will forgive no matter how many times. i guess its not that hard to guess what i decided after my vacation. and till this day, i still owe #3 my official sorry. Then, in Nov 2010, E and I were back together. we talked about everything seriously. we talked about the paths we want to take. we talked about the conflicts we have with the paths we wanna take. we finally got things sorted out, compromised and planned out our roads ahead for the next at least 2 years. quite honestly, i dont even remember that we were back together for another 5 months. were we happy? were we sweet? were we stressed? i dont remember. i tried to think of some happy moments we had during those 5 months but my mind seem to always go blank. then, i finally realize during those 5 months, all we thought of or concentrated on was ALL about the new life in HK. we were buried in stresses and plannings. now that i think of it, i dont think we even enjoyed a bit of the last 5 months that we were together. i tried to prepare everything for him prior his departure. his luggage, his gatherings with friends/families, his IDs, his gifts for friends in HK, etc etc. again, life is never expectabe. guess what! i never prepared for another break up! as silly as it sounds, YES I WAS STILL HURT TO ROCK BOTTOM. i ask myself the same question too, how can i be hurt again and again but i let myself be in the black hole again and again? is this how forgiving can you get when u truly love a person? one thing for sure is, LOVE MAKES US VULNERABLE. so vulnerable that your heart breaks everytime his name is being mentioned. so vulnerable that tears run down your eyes first thing in the morning and last thing in the night. when is this going to go away is the question. "save me from the darkness". this is what i tell the people that i care about. i want them to care about me too. i want to know from them what does it take to stop this from happening again and again. i want to know what does it take for E to not to run in my blood forever. i've listened to friends. start trying to go out again. start trying to find my own life again becasue my life was always revolving around him. good and bad, everything i do is for him, and only the best for him. today is one month of the day that i've headed out to find my life again. i must've done something really good in my pre-life to deserve meeting the friends that i have now. i guess this time is the best i've done so far in the past four break ups that i had with E. the best part is, we are on a different piece of land on earth, we are officially 12-hours apart! nonetheless, for whatever happens, i still do wish the best for him. as my friends say, wish the best for him so he will never need to come back here. (haha) so this is what happened in my life for the past 1.5 years that i've been at Karen Miles Cres. it's time to move, and most importantly, it's time to MOVE ON. im definitely looking forward to my new place, even tho my room is smaller, but its something fresh! and i have a flat panel stove!!! SO MUCH EASIER TO CLEAN!!! let everything start on a new page and wish for the best. what doesnt kill me makes me stronger. memories will always stay as memories. i will not try to delete it, it will be set aside to a safe safe place that no one will ever touch again. tuesday it is! happy moving! :)